~* a step at a time *~

my patience is ice thin.

one kid tripped my wire today. and i tore him to shreds.

not a good start to the week

there’s no joy in coming to work anymore. and no, its not the monday blues.

is there a stronger word than hate? if there is, let me know so i can use it on the heartless management of my school.

and im really frustrated. its like, no matter what u do u cant finish it all. im really trying here. me and everyone else. but it seems pointless when u dun enjoy teaching anymore.

before, no matter how silly my kids maybe, how crazily they behave, whatever rubbish they hand in, i can deal with it. i mean, they’re kids. and it doesnt happen on a daily basis. they listen, they change, they act up again. BUT i dun go to class losing my temper each day.

but now, im losing my mind. i draw a blank in class sometimes cos there’s a million things to do and my mind will be just everywhere. i stammer in class. i dunno what to say. i stare at the walls,  my mind’s preoccupied. and its frustrating.

one of my boys went, ‘cikgu, dun look so stressed can?’

all i can do is smile.

which is getting harder each day.

i did a friend wrong recently.

i had the best of intentions, but u know, things dun always turn out the way we wanted it to be.

the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.

so to her, im sorry. really am.

i’ve never really hated work. but NOW I DO.

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ihateworkihateworkihateworkihateworjihateworkihateworkihateworkihatewokrihateworkihateworkihateworkihatework

we talked over skype just now. we laughed and joked and made fun of MLTR, David Hasselhoff and Trademark. we imitated english accent to hilarious results.

we talked abt moving on, of missed chances and lost opportunities. we imagined the what-ifs.

it was a good conversation.

i miss talking to her, so it was good to be able to do that. feels just like old times. glad dat she’s doing good and coping well. things are a-okay, except for dat minor glitch and itch dat keeps on popping up from time to time. it wont be easy, but im sure she’ll manage to deal with it.

now hopefully, im able to get my ass there come june next year.

the girl who always thinks that the grass is greener on the other side, when im already standing on the greenest turf there is.

the woman who refuses to grow up, relishes the fact that i can pass off as 16 and acts like im 6.

the girl who loves stuffed toys and aims to make a zoo out of it.

the teacher who dun always have the right answers for my students and who cant lead by example. but i wing my way thru, only god knows how.

the girl who need my time and mind occupied constantly.

the woman who procrastinates. still is and will always do.

the girl who’s an uncalculated risk-taker, daring to put even the most precious things to her on the line. and dat includes relationships. scary ey?

the friend who adores every single one of my pals to death. some just dun know it, some might take advantage of it, some cherish it.

the person who doesnt show my temper easily. i rather take it all in than let it all out, cos to me, its just better.

the friend, who tries to be just that, realising there are times when i failed to be one.

the best friend who just cant be one anymore. or fail to see wat actually constitutes a best friend.

the high-spender, though i dun earn much and i need to pay for my school fees.

the one who’s easily burnt out, needs lots of rest and sees clubbing as a form of escapism.

the girl who’s awfully shy in crowds and doesnt open up too easily to people.  this is contrary to popular believe ey? but hey, its true.

the worker who crumbles under pressure.

the daughter who can do much much more to please her parents.

the woman who, at 26, aint worried abt settling down, who cant even picture her wedding dress or sees herself sitting at the pelamin.

the girl with a head full of thoughts, but having trouble spelling it all out. if i can, trust me, i will.

the who who runs away instead of staying and deal with the problem.

the girl who doesnt ask hard questions cos im afraid of the answers, the hard truth. cos then i cant run anymore.

…all that and more.

1am thoughts scares me. why? because they are always so random.

and the silence doesnt help either. an unoccupied, free mind is a dangerous thing, especially mine. there’s no telling what my mind is capable of churning, when it reaches into the depths of my thoughts, especially those that i tried so hard to put away and to ignore. which always, in turn lead me to feeling, something. and being the eternal pessimist, the feeling is always something negative.

i somehow try to hide all the many gnawing thoughts that pops up in my head from time to time. things that affect me such as work, family, zul (see how u have a whole category for yourself?) and even friends. yeap, friends and friendship have popped up quite regularly nowadays cos friendship can be tricky sometimes. being in the company of people or being busy at work, i succeeded in pushing these thoughts away. but there are times, such as early morning hours or even lone bus rides, when these thoughts returned. i’ve never been the type to ponder and think, much less to analyse cos i somehow always have the faith that things will eventually work itself out. but i guess if the same issue keeps on popping in my head, it should be addressed, right? right. but then thinking abt it and trying to figure things out could take up all night and i cant afford that.

but it explains why im typing away at 1.36 am when i should really be asleep cos i gotta head to work in less than 7 hours. i havent picked up my clothes for work and i have yet to pack my bag. so u see, i really cant afford to have any random thoughts haunting me right now cos i have to get some shut eye and prepare for the working day.

but haunt they do. i wish my mind could just operate on an automatic mode. or on solar power for dat matter, so dat i am assured of a good night’s sleep.  cos right now, im feeling as lonely as a planet can get (lonely planet…geddit??) despite knowing that there are people out there who’ll listen to my whining with just a dial of their number. but i wonder if they’ll know exactly what i feel or mean.

so the happy outlook, is just dat - an out look. its a veneer to mask what’s really going on inside. cos if i smile, i’ll see myself through their eyes, and somehow, i can believe that im truly happy. but well, i guess everyone have their secrets and inner demons to battle against dun they?

zul would say dat im just sensationalising. or being dramatic. maybe i am but its not for him to judge is it? or anyone else for dat matter. cos these are my thoughts and words, no matter how screwed up they are.

man, i sound like i need help.

all her bags are packed and she’s ready to go….

yeap, sham’s leaving. my dearest friend is leaving our sunny shores and heading towards germany to pursue her masters. dat, and for many other reasons. and as much as i know she doesnt want to leave right now, leave she must cos it’ll only serve to paint a clearer picture for her future.

i’ll miss her. definitely. she’s been there throughout all my highs and lows.  i can remember her coming to my rescue in her checkered pants while i was crying my eyes out. we studied throughout the night at nus together, her for the uni exams and mine for my nie. i remembered lox from back then and how we boogied the night away. no one counted calories more fervently than she did and no one tolerated my endless ramblings more than her. no one i know is more determined and while many of us gave up on hope, she thrives on it. one cynical believer of love, but never totally giving up on it. yeah, she gets herself hurt, but she never fail to bounce back. as britney said (sham’s a fan of her, btw), " im st ronger than yesterday".

2 years. she’ll be gone for 2 years. a short period of time. but then again, it can also be very long. i have yet to get her a gift, but i definitely will.

my hope is for her to get what she wants, and to find happiness in everything that she does.

for myself? i just hope dat i wont cry on fri.

u know that green creature with the pointy ears at the end of that 5-min filler show, just for laughs?

the creature that cried and shouted ‘mummy its over!!!’?

i can relate to that. cos the hols are over.

well, it aint really the hols, is it, when u have to come back every single day to conduct remedials and take care of other nitty gritty stuff called paperwork?? no, i din really get much rest this hols.

but hokay, i wanna make this quick. so quick updates:

i) teachers’ day was fun. my kids spoilt me with roses, cards and teddy bears.  throw in a few photo frames, purses, mugs, bracelets, earrings and a watch. i even receiver a coffee bean voucher. i am so loved.

ii) met shidah, zu and sarah on tues. it was a session filled with gossiping, networking, eating, cam-whoring, more eating and more gossiping. thanks a million to sarah for never failing to organise a gathering each time the hols comes around.

iii) boogieing at st james with mini-b and belo. as usual, we partay.

iv) i get to meet zulkarnain everyday. dats a huge plus.

and i guess dats it. dats the way life goes for me. it may not be much, but im loving every moment of it.

i was looking at some old pictures and it brought me down memory lane.

Like how my hair used to be long once. It was straight and then it was curly.

Like how dinners with my friends are always an enjoyable and hearty affair, no matter how much i dread attending it initially.

Like how sec sch days are soooo much fun and dat most of us lead good lives right now. Some are happily married and with kids to boot!

Like how i enjoyed clubbing. And still do.

Like the trip to Germany i had. Many many wonderful memories there with the bestie and my the boyfie.

Like the many KL trips with my pals dat i so totally love. And will continue to look forward to.

Like how i enjoy being with my students, my netball girls esp.

And..

how i enjoyed spending every single moment with zul. all those moments caught on camera and those off it. there wont be enough memory space to record all the good time we had.

but like always, some things must change. like people, places and hairstyles.

as they said, the only constant is change.

how true is dat?